63-THE WALL

We have seen how two teens, each brought up in an intimate family environment, established a serious relationship that led to a great marriage, a great family and fabulous life occupations. Even if one is lucky enough to be in such an enviable position, like them, that person will still have to face the wall, for nobody is spared.

Genetically, females are not programmed to receive the male’s sperm past menopause, a reality that is often ignored. Even if some men, whether for reasons of nostalgia, domination, money, deprivation or perversion, occasionally ignore this imposition by having sex with post-menopausal women, the fact remains that when the female runs out of ovarian follicles she can no longer reproduce, and when this happens, males, who have a longer reproductive life, genetically stop desiring her sexually and want to have sex with a female who can reproducen. It’s a great injustice done to women by Mother Nature, for when women reach menopause, they stop sending the magical pheromone signals to their partner. Notwithstanding the fact that humans have practically lost their sense of smell since becoming intelligent millions of years ago, and that perfumes and synthetic products of all kinds tend to block them, pheromones are what triggers sexual arousal. They are mysterious agents that are not well understood by science, but be they visual, tactile or gustatory, pheromones are associated with sexual arousal, and when these misunderstood messengers stop triggering the partner’s hypothalamus, the latter is no longer sexually stimulated by the sender. Although very little is known about the interaction of pheromones between partners, they exist in the entire animal kingdom.

As a further injustice to women, for the last two thousand years, Christianity has taught us to equate sex with love. So, when the mature husband ceases to want to have sex with his mature wife, the latter believes her mate doesn’t love her anymore. The irony is that just when this situation arises, it’s often the time when males love their partners most. However, this usually means the end of a relationship unless it’s understood and dealt with.

Since the wife feels that it’s her fault for not being attractive enough, the female doubles the coats of paint and flaunts her badge of femininity with greater determination. Naturally, in doing so, the more clownish and vulgar looking she becomes, and the male is less and less apt to be aroused by her. Though women are the ones who often initiate divorce, the root cause is male genetic make-up. The husband may love his wife dearly, but genetically, he is less interested in having sex with her for reasons even he doesn’t understand. At this point, they seem hell bent on destroying their lifetime emotional investment, and two things happen. On the one hand, since modern couples measure their worth against their libido, the wife feels unwanted, unattractive and unloved, and on the other, she can’t help showing her displeasure. The situation escalates to the point where it gives the husband an excuse to have sex with the young secretary wearing the cute badge of femininity, the one who has always shown interest in him. Divorce is almost sure to follow. If, in some cases, divorce happens sooner, it’s for other reasons, the main one being that the couple never established a real relationship in the first place.

Barely 100 years ago, we left the world of self-empowerment for that of societal empowerment, and that turned out to be a disaster. Although the consumer world that followed was the greatest one that we could possibly imagine, it made us disconnect from the natural world. The world of leisure we found ourselves in was extremely attractive, but it soon became obvious that our specie is not genetically programmed for such a world. Naturally, with more time on our hands, our faky (virtual) and lusty (sexual) dispositions as human animals were exploited to the fullest, and paradoxically, individuals started running on empty in a world of plenty.

A lusty faky approach to life just can’t make us happy. And because our libido in all its disguises is driving our lives, and since relationships based on trust, emotional honesty and commitment have fallen by the wayside, we are forced into a corner. If we want to have a fulfilled life, we have to decide between instant gratification or lasting relationships. It’s really about lust or trust, yet today, when people get married, the first thing they do is sign a prenuptial agreement. Does that mean that they’re already thinking of divorce? Go figure!

Few people have been taught to live in intimacy, a key ingredient in a trusting and fulfilling relationship hopefully learned in early childhood. If we are not in the privileged position of knowing intimacy, then we must start off with trust instead of lust, and we need outside help. Matchmaking, a solution that is completely taboo in our societal empowerment world, would be the most obvious path to follow. Hassidic Jews are very good at matchmaking and we should learn from them. However, it’s not an easy thing to do, for in our consumer society most matchmaking venues try to match up the faky and lusty aspects of our nature in order to make easy money. So, if an emotionally honest person has enough fortitude to choose the taboo solution of matchmaking, he or she has a further task of finding a matchmaker whose prime concern is creating a successful emotional partnership.

A genuine matchmaker will stress above all the need to create a partnership. While he may take physical attraction into consideration, he will certainly not delve on lust. If he succeeds in combining all the qualities of one individual necessary to enhance the strengths and counter the weaknesses of the other, the matchmaker will have done a great job. If complete trust and honesty is mutually achieved, romance and love is almost sure to follow, in spite of the fact that becoming trusting and emotionally connected for the first time in one’s life is an almost impossible thing to do. No matter, matchmaking would be a serious option for achieving happiness if society did not berate it so.

Nonetheless, whether in the case of the ideal couple mentioned earlier, where they started with the lust option with the full support of the four parents, whether in the case of those who are not supported by family or those who want to establish a genuine partnership through the matchmaking process, all couples have to eventually face the wall mentioned earlier. Sexual attraction lasts only a short while, but love lasts a lifetime, and a couple will be able to go from sex mode to love mode and circumvent the wall only if their marriage is built on the basis of a strong partnership.

For two thousand years, Christianity has taught us that sex and love are one and the same, or at least should be, and that line of thinking has to be thrashed. We have even adopted the phrases ‘to fall in love’ when we’re horny, and ‘making love’ when we fornicate. Why can’t we simply ‘love’? Things are definitely askew when it comes to sex. If a couple wants a shot at the brass ring, it has to establish real intimacy in a real relationship right from the beginning, have children that they both treat as the most important life asset they have, stop using the words sex and love interchangeably, and be fully aware that they will have to face the wall.

At the beginning of most marriages, the husband can’t possibly imagine that

he will one day not want to have sex with his wife, yet it is a certainty. It may be construed as a negative thing to do, and it may be very hard, but they should talk about that matter in the early stages of their marriage, even if it’s just in jest.

In a nutshell, the ideal couple mentioned earlier has been intimately connected since forever, they have had a sex life that would put Bonobos to shame, they have two adorable children that are following in their footsteps, they are very successful and fulfilled in what they do for a living, and they love each other. However, though he will want to hug her and caress her when she reaches menopause, he will no longer wants to have sex with her. So, what to do?

If they both are convinced that sex is not love, the menopausal wife may feel relieved that she doesn’t have to pretend any more. Nonetheless, the husband’s testosterone keeps pumping, and he doesn’t know how to get rid of his wad. At this stage, it’s mainly about what to do with the husband’s libido, for the wife’s libido is no longer a factor although social pressure may tell her otherwise. Because the group tells us we’re nonentities if we’re not sexually active, both tend to pretend they are. Nonetheless, a smart couple seeking happiness and fulfillment will want to take full measure of the wall hurdle and overcome it. But they not only have social pressure to overcome, they also have the fond memories of their sexual deeds of yesteryears to deal with. When all is said and done, they have to be very strong to come to the conclusion that their sex life has come to an end and that family is what is most important. If they are, they then can talk frankly about what to do with their libido, especially the husband’s

At this point in the relationship, both parties must accept the fact that they are facing the wall and agree it’s a genetic, not a personal, thing. The couple must zero in on that problem and find ways on how the husband can relieve himself sexually in order to save the family. The husband can masturbate, go to a brothel, take on a mistress, have a live-in young concubine, or rent a bachelor pad where he keeps a sexbot, but these solutions are far from ideal. If he has a fatberg between the ears, he might even try to seduce his daughter or her girl friend who lives next door, rape his babysitter or co-worker, but these criminal alternatives are not what a sane mature man would want to do. When a man ceases to want to have sex with his wife and is continually turned on by younger women, it just means he is being ruled by his ANS. If he knows that’s the case, and if he loves his wife, he’s in a real bind. The more stupid men, often spurred on by their wives, will even take Viagra in order to re-establish a sexual relationship with the wife, which is a perfectly insane thing to do. It’s like an obese person doing everything it can to stimulate hunger. If the couple really knows what is happening to their libido, they should be thinking of diminishing not increasing the husband’s libido.

If the man didn’t let his libido define him as a person, and if he didn’t entertain the idea of having children in the future, orchiectomy would definitely be a serious option. At menopause, many wives no longer want to be bothered with sex anyway, unless they’re tuned in to the ‘desperate housewives’ thing, so why should the husband not stop his production of sperm? The sad part is that both the husband and the wife think that a man is no longer a man if he gets an orchiectomy. Nonetheless, if he is a psychologically well-constructed male, and has had a healthy sex life and built a loving family, he definitely doesn’t want to destroy his assets by seeking action left and right, by divorcing, or worse, by committing a crime. So, the best thing to do is to get rid of his urge to reproduce. Getting an orchiectomy to reduce libido could be compared to an obese person getting gastric bypass surgery in order to lose weight.

Orchiectomy is a banal outpatient operation. There is no physical deformation if saline implants are used to replace the gonads, and the operation is relatively side-effect free. If the husband loves his wife and family, and maintains a healthy diet while keeping fit, he will be as fulfilled as can be. The only thing he may require, if it comes down to that, is wear a hormone patch to compensate for the loss of testosterone. This operation is not meant for those with a poor self-image or a fragile ego, for it goes against the whole post-sapiens human culture that says one is not a man if one doesn’t screw.

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